Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
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It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
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Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder