Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?