You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.