It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me