I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
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he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
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I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.