He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick