There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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