you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
