the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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