I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
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my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
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Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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