apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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