i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
