Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
my shit smells like andre
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
