Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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