lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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