Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
