she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
