Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
