Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
