Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
