If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
