Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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