I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
