I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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