Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
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Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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