my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
