So drunk its hurt
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
