I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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