I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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