i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
