My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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