I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
