my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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