Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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