Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize