that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
