I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
