FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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