I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
