I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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