I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
i think my cat just said my name.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
