Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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