Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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