Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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