im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
