My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
