How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
