the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
