respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
