when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
