Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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