I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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