So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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