I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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